PAIN

    

    The megaphone was loud, amplifying the message I could not seem to hear without the pain that made me still and weak.    I always cry out to God when pain inflicts it's narrowed focus and helpless fear.  I sing, I pace, I wonder and sometimes rail, but always to Him.  He is often the only one listening in the darkness of night.  And that is when I resolve to obey, to redeem my pain free time for Him and when I see my sinful clutter most clearly.  But often at the break of day and the dull of pain, I forget the deal I made, my resolve weakens, and sinful clutter is blurry.  But this night was different.  I have resolved and I have found relief from pain without forgetting.  The appetites I had indulged in these weeks of stress and confusion seem clear and ugly still. 

     I could use the excuse of spiritual warfare and unending needs weighing down my spirit and wearing out my body,  for those are real in this particular season of life.  But I know that He has heard these before and does not accept any substitutes for His own word, His grace, his own people  and His ever listening ear to ease those burdens.  Because He knows the places to which I run, will only captivate and cover up and never free me to serve.  I could once again resolve without confession to do better and climb out of the pit on my own.  But I know He designed me weak enough to need others to hold up my weak  hands and mind after confession and resolve begin to wane.  But laying it out there to those who may think less, retreat, or accuse later is terrifying to this proud and independent heart.   After the triumphant cries of Easter, this fleshly struggle plummets my thoughts back to the reality of dying with Him and what it looks like this side of incorruptible and immortal.  IF He had not shown me through similar cycles that this battle is necessary and common to those who chose to follow, I would lose resolve and think myself still dead in Spirit.  But He reminds me that the battle, with wins and losses, is proof of the life that struggles to overcome flesh in His Spirit power. 

     One day He will not have to lift the megaphone of pain to clear my vision and strip me of independent thinking, for He will have given me a heart of flesh and clarify the mind of Christ .   Pain's purpose will be no more when he dries our eyes and fixes our heart permanently on Himself.  No more need of excuse, no more night to force us to look up and no more losses,  for the victory will be real and constant.   But for now, I struggle though not alone.

Romans 8:18  For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.